Born On the Wind
by Iris
Summary: Juuhachigou is struggling to find her self-identity.


**Born On the Wind**

In her dreams, she doesn't see herself as human... somehow, she never feels quite human, nor does she feel that there is anything wrong with her. She has realized that she is different from everyone else - though she doesn't know exactly how - and more often than she'd like, she is aware that people do perceive her as having no emotions towards others. This, she doesn't know why they even bother to care; after all, it's not any of their business. She has been told by many that in order to live a normal and healthy life, she should open herself up to others. She, on the other hand, doesn't see any point in doing that at all. She thinks she has already revealed herself enough for them to understand the kind of being she is, and only so much that they see her through what she presents... which is exactly what they perceive her as. What else don't they get!? But that's not all... once or twice, maybe even more (she's sure), Krillin's friends teased him that he was only a monk living in a fantasy, that he might be with her physically, but he would never have her mind, her soul. They are right! How can anyone really have anybody else's mind and soul?! She never thinks it would ever be possible, except maybe when a person is possessed. But poor Krillin, he only brushed it off and tried to defend her, which she knows he had done so from the bottom of his heart.

_"You're still up, Juu-chan?"  _ Krillin's voice brings her back to the present.

_"Hai," _she answers shortly, but that's her way of speaking - gentle and brief.

_"Looks like the little princess is sound asleep."  _ Her husband says, chuckling as he looks at his little girl sleep in a hammock in the Kame House porch, her head resting on her mother's lap. 

Juuhachi-gou brushes the blond strands of hair off of her daughter's forehead, but doesn't say anything. She is a woman of very few, however sensible words. Everything she says gives the exact meaning of the words, no more, no less.

_"I'll put her to bed"  _Krillin says and carries chibi Marron away from the hammock, _"you should go to sleep, too, Juu." _He tells her gently, afraid he might disturb his daughter's beauty sleep if he speaks any louder.

_"Hai, hai."  _Juuhachi-gou replies to her husband's suggestion.

After Krillin goes inside with Marron, Number 18 still sits on the porch by herself. She leans back and wraps herself in the hammock, swinging it slightly with her foot touching the ground. She looks far out to the ocean, the sound of the waves makes it easier for her to think... about her past - although she doesn't have much of it. She looks up into the midnight blue sky, which is dotted with millions of stars, and admits for the first time that it is beautiful. She recalls the same nights like this some years ago and asks herself how she could have become the person she presently is. Yes, tonight and those nights hold something familiar. It is an instant playback for her when she thinks of the explosions she has once created. She looks so calm now, however. Yet in her mind, she is nervous, confused, and ...scared. She looks through space, her mind not focusing anywhere. She slowly brings her hand up, looks at it - first at her palm, then turns it over, and limply lets it fall down on the edge of the hammock. She sighs. She has never been scared before - well, the time she was about to be engulfed by Cell didn't count; it was a life/death situation and anybody, anything would have been afraid - but tonight... there is a different ...'feel' to it. This is not a scared-of-death kind of feeling, but something quite unusual to her. She suddenly shudders when a breeze blows in from the ocean. She curls herself, but still doesn't seem to mind the cool wind.

_"So this is how it feels like to be cold!" _She thinks to herself. Even after she had Marron, she didn't feel the change in herself. Cold is the only thing she feels from the metal that she was made of, in other words, outside of herself, never internally nor through her 'skin'. She loses focus again of the ocean and the night sky, her forever young, 'skinned' cheek is leaning against the hammock's thin edge. She thinks about nothing and everything at the same time. She has now a family she can never think she could have, the friends she could never ask for in anyone, a definite place to live in, many other things... yet she asks for none of it from the beginning. Not that she's not worthy of nor she doesn't care about them, but rather she never expects ANYTHING. They come to her in a voluntary way, neither as an excite nor a force. Thus she doesn't consider herself lucky to have the things she has, nor does she take them as a burden. But now, she 'feels' it! All the things that she 'has', come to her with a reason... a purpose!

_"It's peaceful!" _She whispers to herself, _"like the ocean on a calm day, or the sky - tonight... like Marron when she sleeps..."_

Juuhachi-gou is surprised at herself for murmurring such words. When does she become so like her husband, his friends... her friends, ...so human? She shudders again when the wind blows by, passing through and brushing her straight golden hair. She suddenly feels lonely. Hopelessly alone... as if half of her is missing.

And so it was! She remembers her brother, the "other half" of her for the first time since he was ingested by Cell.

_"Juunana-chan... niichan..." _she calls, her voice low. All at once, she feels something caught in her throat as she recalls her twin's face.

Darkness begins to cover the sky as Juuhachi-gou closes her eyes and visualizes herself with her twin. A hungry feeling of wanting to claim self-identity grabs and suffocates her, letting her feel restless and weak. She realizes it is indeed hard to be human. Having to deal with all these "feelings", it's no wonder wars are still possible and over thousands of years, they [the wars] still exist. Take her creator, Dr. Gero, for instance. He had gone mad just because he was able to "feel"! All other destructions at least originated from some kind of feeling of one or more human beings... all these occur just because of a word.

_"Where are you, niichan?"_ She asks again. She feels as if she can cry... and has nearly gone mad with the thought. She doesn't like the feeling one bit. It's true that her life has more "meaning" (?!) now; thanks to Marron and Krillin, yet still there is a piece of her that has gone astray somewhere. She doesn't know exactly what she really wants from the people around her, from life, from herself...

Krillin walks out again. He sits on the porch next to the hammock and concernly asks, _"What is it, Juu? Are you feeling alright?"_

_"I am fine. Thank you." _She answers, her voice full of experience.

Every time her husband shows concern towards her, she just wants to hug and tell him "thanks", but even a small gesture like that is extremely hard for her to act on. She just isn't that kind of a person. She can't seem to express herself in a friendly way like others do. She wishes she can be carefree as when she was wandering around the world with her brother. She wants to be able to kiss her husband as she once did when she first met him. But everything has changed. She can't do that now... not to someone she "cares" about. Back then, she didn't know him, she didn't care much then for anybody, or anything.

_"You look sad... do you want to talk about it?" _Krillin asks again.

Juuhachi-gou shakes her head and knowing her, Krillin stops. He is still the same innocent and cheerful guy he always is. The couple sit staring at the open space before them for a while when Krillin yawns and falls asleep in a blink on the porch. Juuhachi-gou examines her husband and wonders how he and Marron can fall asleep so easily, and how it is that she ends up with Krillin - a man with so much righteousness and innocence, even though he is much older than she practically. Then another million things went through her mind again. She figures... so that's how [she can't sleep]! Her mind is always occupied with many unanswered questions; most of the time, they are similar questions...

_"Maybe..."  _ she thinks to herself, _"I should go look for Juunana-chan now..."_

She feels determined and even excited. To her, there is nothing worse than not being sure of one's identity. Right from the start of her being, she felt strongly about who she was. But then, at least she knew.

She raises her head up, looks at her husband again. He's sleeping like a baby. She sits up erectly, then gets up from the hammock. She walks over and kneels in front of her husband. She observes him carefully, the former monk looks everso adorable in her eyes.

_"Arigatou, Krillin-san..."  _she utters the words, her voice forever sophisticated. She then flies off abruptly, as swiftly and gently as the cloud being pushed by the wind, she leaves no sound or any evidence behind, only the waves at the shores roar, covering all other noises.

* * *

The former jinzoningen Juuhachi-gou flies smoothly across the sky, aiming straight ahead in the direction that later takes her to the far North Capital, the place she was originated from. The city appears pitched dark and the cold... so cold that it pierces through her skin and she can feel it in her bones. She doesn't remember this place ever being so cold. Well, maybe because she's different now. She concentrates in her mind of her birthplace and forces herself to visualize it. When she finally arrives in front of what appears to be an ordinary cave on the peak of any mountain, she stands idle and stares at it with her wide blue crystalline eyes, a frightened look on her face.

_"Gero-sama..." _she murmurs. She tries to hold herself back as the windward breeze blows by, almost pushing her away. She can hear the horrible growl, even of the distant wind; it sounds as if someone is moaning painfully and begging to be released. At this, she thinks about her life again. She feels like a lost soul stuck in a violent whirlwind, striving to escape and to find her way home. She realizes, instantly, that her birthplace is no other than that terrible windpool, which at every second of the day, blowing and spinning her wildly in the bewilderment, unknowingly when she will be set free from it. She takes a step forward to the opening of the cave as she creates a lightball to lead herself through the dark tunnel. The place is now remained of only rusted debris of various machine parts that stage the destruction has happened some years back. She hesitates to walk in further, but then forces herself to out of curiosity and desperation. All at once, Juuhachi-gou senses the past come to her as if it just happened yesterday. Parts of the cabins which she and her brother came in were still found scattered around. She steps forward and kneels down in front of the pieces which are now covered in dust. She wipes the dust away on a cabin cover. The thick layer of dust flies out, revealing a large font that says "#18". This is where she came from. Her "name" is on it. She brushes her hand across it and looks for another one like it. She targets it and stands up, starting to walk to it. She repeats the action of sweeping off the smut and recognizes that it is her brother's.

_"Juunana-chan."  _ She desperately calls the name of her other half. She asks herself why she suddenly feels empty, scared, and purposeless to lead a life. Many times she seeks the answer, but never finds it. She feels as if she has no more desire to go on, to live. What is the purpose in life anyway? She used to be a cyborg, so she was supposed to feel nothing. But now... she is human - flesh and blood - she has a soul, a heart... she is "supposed" to "feel"! It was much easier before... when all she had to do was think in a technical sense and since she was inscribed with martial arts skills, it was unnecessary to use other skills that required her to "feel". She had that mind of a technological "genius" - and she still does - but never a mind of a human, a woman. Suddenly, she feels her eyes well up and a liquid crystal rolls down naturally and touches her lips before it lands on the cabin cover. She tastes the salty liquid and understands for the first time she has just shed what normal humans call "tears". The #17 on the cabin cover appears blurry to her as she blinks and another tear cleaves and drops down on the rusted metal plane. She can't make out what it is that she exactly feels. But the feeling is worse than anything she has experienced - which is far worse than being ingested by Cell; that feeling other humans would term "emptiness" and "longing" ...for something she doesn't even know. All she knows is she wants to see her twin again - even only for once; she'll ask him how he feels about everything, especially about his existence, his "feelings"... She realizes now that death is not as painful or fearful as what she currently feels. Then she thinks about her daughter. 

_"Marron-chan, atashi anta oukachan... Marron, I am your mother..." _She utters in her shaky voice. _"Demo... dare boku oukachan? But... who is _**my**_ mother?" _Those words cause her to suddenly become weak. She cries involuntarily, as if she were a child being abandoned by her own mother. The lightball that she leaves in a corner is dimming down, and finally goes out. Juuhachi-gou kneels still in the dark, her eyes wide open, but she does not see. All is so complicated, so confused. She slowly drags herself up and soul-lessly leaves the cold and lonely lab. 

It is past midnight when she reaches the front of the Capsule Corp.. She rings the bell on the front gate and is answered by an android's voice. She politely asks to see Bulma and since Bulma recognizes her voice, the gate is immediately opened and welcoming her in.

_"Is something wrong, Juu-san?"_ Bulma asks in concern, thinking it is strange to see her friend come so late, especially by herself.

_"Yes... I mean... it is hard to explain,"  _she replies in her usual and soft voice.

_"Is it Krillin? What did he do to you... well, knowing him, what didn't he do?"  _Bulma asks.

_"No... he didn't do anything wrong... it's me. Bulma-san, is Vegeta still up?"_

Bulma is surprised, _"Vegeta? Demo... Doshite Vegeta?"_

_"Only _**he**_ would understand what I'm going through, Bulma-san."_

_"Nani, Juu-san? You can tell me,"  _ Bulma begs, _"he's a man, a Saiya-jin, what does he know about dealing with a woman's feelings?"_

_"Bulma, this is different. I'm sure you understand how he must feel sometimes..." _she explains, _"you know... him not being an Earth person..."_

Bulma then understands. In fact, she has seen it in Juuhachi-gou's eyes many times. _"Matte. I'll call him."_

Bulma walks into her room and finds Vegeta already lain in bed, his eyes closed, he must be sleeping. She comes and sits down next to him. She hasn't touched him yet, but he senses her presence.

_"You should go to bed, too," _he says, his eyes still closed.

_"Vegeta,"  _ she calls, _"Juuhachi-gou is here."_

_"Can't you greet her yourself?"_

_"She wants to see you."_

He opens his eyes, _"Nani? ....Doshite?"_

_"Well... it seems pretty important. She says you're the only one who would understand her."_

He closes his eyes and doesn't buy her statement, _"You don't have to greet her if you don't want to. Just ask her to leave or come back some other time."_

_"Vegeta!? I am not joking! I do believe what she told me is serious!"_

Vegeta hears the tone in his wife's voice and is convinced that whatever it is is indeed important, but still doesn't see why he would be the person she wants to see. He then sits up and reaches for his shirt. He leaves their room as he puts the shirt on. Bulma follows behind him.

Juuhachi-gou stands up from the sofa and looks at her friends. Vegeta walks past her and out the front door without saying anything or even looking at her. But she sees that as the normal Vegeta's mood and holds Bulma's arm.

_"Bulma-san, arigatou."  _She says softly as Bulma nods and smiles at her.

Juuhachi-gou walks outside after Vegeta and suggests he follow her. Vegeta flies a distance behind her and after 10 minutes, they land on a plateau up on the mountains, away from the city lights.

_"Thank you for coming... Vegeta," _she says.

_"Hmm..."_

_"Although I know you never talk to anyone about your life, not even Bulma-san, but I know you must think about it." _She continues while he keeps silent.

Vegeta uncrosses his arms and hides his hands inside his trousers' pockets. He appears ambivalent by what she says, yet inside, he wonders why she talks like she does. Juuhachi-gou understands well that he, like her, is a man of few words. In fact, they are almost like carbon copies of each other personality-wise. He may appear to be in grudges, but he usually doesn't mind anything that is said about or to him - and this she can completely relate to. She steps a few steps toward him and continues:

_"What is the purpose of life if one doesn't know who he or she is?"_

_"Gomen... we are not alike at all in that term." _He replies coldly, but that is just his way of talking.

_"Then what is the purpose of life if you know who you are already?"  _ She asks.

Vegeta suddenly loses it and is shocked at her question. He doesn't say anything, simply because he doesn't know what to say. This is the first time he's asked such a question. He never thinks about it. Sure he did think about where he came from - his planet, his people, his fate - but never the purpose of life. He was taught in Vegeta-sei that to live is to conquer. He never knew of any other reasons. However, time has changed; he now has a family... and besides that, he never thinks of another reason to life.

After hearing no replies from him, Juuhachi-gou continues:

_"I was never aware-"_ she pauses, then rephrases, _"...I never knew being human can be so hard!"_

Vegeta's lips curl, words almost slip from his mouth, but he doesn't say anything. He realizes what she just said is not totally nonsense, he doesn't like it , but then Vegeta never likes anything. Then as if it is her trial, number 18 goes on,_ "I think I'm becoming more human than I'd like. Having to-"_

_"Live with it!" _Vegeta cuts her off in the middle of the sentence.

Number 18 raises her lids, shocked at his harsh remark.

_"But how?" _She asks honestly, revealing her fear of not knowing.

_"I thought you're supposed to be a  _**strong **_person!"_ He states, continuing to sound harsh.

Juuhachi-gou narrows her eyes, feeling a little agitated by his wreckless attitude, she says:

_"Only physically. As you might already know, being human is new to me."_

Still with his straight face, he goes on, _"...and I suppose you think I feel the same way?!"_

She keeps silent, forcing him to take it as a "yes". Vegeta turns and looks at her, at the same time his face displays a protesting look.

_"Well, I'm not  _**new**_ to anything!_" He clarifies, emphasizing the word "new" carefully. Then as if to prevent her from thinking he has adjusted himself to be "human", he quickly adds, _"I'm not human!"_

_"You don't have to mock me_," Juuhachi-gou mocks, _"you _**know **_that wasn't what I meant. You're _**too**_ intelligent to think I didn't know you'd ever be or feel human."_

The remark boils the Saiya-jin blood in him. Vegeta once again feels humiliated by the former jinzoningen. He can't continue for his thought is concentrated on her throat-grabbing annotation.

On the other hand, #18 - knowing she got him on the spot - mellows her thought down, _"Being with your wife everyday must have made you feel what I feel sometimes."_

_"I don't think so. I told you... we don't have anything in common!"_

_"You know you're not honest with yourself," _she tells him, _"and you _**know**_ what I just said is exactly how you feel. Just by looking at you, I can tell you are by yourself most of the time, even though you might be with your wife, your family..."_

_"Then what do you want me to tell you? You certainly seem to know everything well already." _The Prince snaps bitterly, yet his voice admits the loneliness he often feels.

Juuhachi-gou realizes she may have been a bit too stern. She looks down, slightly regrets at her too-honest comment. Then she looks up at him,

_"You know, Vegeta... it's hard to believe I can actually stand near you while we're not in battle against one another," _she says, her voice low and sad despite what the words express, _"I wish that _**it **_in fact were the case for us, it seems to be less petrifying that way."_

There is a long pause, horrible silence covers the entire space surround the two friend-strangers. Suddenly the estranged woman android speaks:

_"I disparingly want to see him - my niisan..."_

Almost instantaneously, Vegeta goes into shock when he hears her sad-to-death voice. He has thought a lot about his Royal father as well, and this makes him pay more attention to Trunks. At one point or another in his near-middle age, he longs for a familiar thing - whether it be a Saiya-jin battle outfit or a relative...

_"But he died! Cell killed him!" _He says, being realistic.

_"No... I have a feeling he's still alive and well. It's just that I don't know where he is..."_

_"...and you want to go search for him?"_

_"Shin na... I don't feel his ki anywhere... but what I feel is-" _she pauses on coercion that's caused by a big gulp of air in her throat, _"...his kind spirit, his well being..."_

Vegeta listens carefully to her. Strangely - even to the full breed Saiya-jin himself - thinks he will learn something from his once battle rival.

_"...and I wish I can be like him, if not with him..."  _then she looks at Vegeta as he nervously removes his hands from his trousers' pockets. She proceeds, _"I feel empty, lifeless, purposeless..."_

As her voice becomes lower and more shaky, Vegeta steps forward, as if to comfort her. _"The trick is to concentrate on your family, your husband and children..."_

_"They're all so innocent..."_

_"Then work on protecting them from the evil of this world."_

What a "man"! He's got some good quality to his dark side after all. She knows too well how embarrassed he must feel for revealing the soft spot in him in front of the especially once close to worst enemy of his own. And all at once, he feels he is inside a balloon, with excessive air prevents him from breathing normally. He shoots up abruptly, trying to hide himself from the woman whom he had a bloody debt with. Number 18 looks after him, figuring that it is not necessary to go after him.

_"Krillin, Marron... forgive me... I'm coming 'home'." _She says, then takes a few steps away. She brushes the blond strand of hair away from her face and utters,_ "Saiyonara, niichan. I'll see you-" _and she does not bother to finish her thought.

As Juuhachi-gou lands in front of the Kame house, she feels a renew sign of self discovery. She walks toward the porch, but aiming for the door. When she gets in front of it, she rushes herself to turn the door knob.

_"Where did you go?" _Krillin's voice startles her. She turns to the side and sees Krillin holding chibi Marron in his arms while her daughter's innocent, wide eyes staring curiously at hers.

Juuhachi-gou swallows down the air, she wants to run and hug them both, but her pride and timidity are still there, sparring her from acting like an ordinary human. She walks to them and touches her daughter's face. The little blond creature smiles and in her small, baby voice, she calls out:

_"Kachan!"_

Juuhachi-gou suddenly can't hold her tears, which are now flooding her shiny blue eyes. She almost yanks Marron from Krillin's arms and hugs her daughter tightly as she blurts, _"Kachan is here..."_

Krillin's mouth is gaping as he tries to figure out why his wife suddenly acts so strangely.

_"Hhhh??? You're acting so weird today, Juu-chan..."  _the ex-monk is everso naive, _"and your eyes are wet..." _he says as he wipes the tears off her eyes, clueless.

Juuhachi-gou smiles, still with the tears trailing down her face. She never feels she can adore him any less at the immediate moment.

_"Krillin-chan... arigatou!" _She looks at him with adoring eyes.

_"For what?" _He asks ingenuously.

_"For-" _she was going to say "for everything", but then shakes her head, _"Nothing... just thank you..."_

**The End**


End file.
